Schatz Confirms Only 45% of Funds for Maui Fires Will Go To "Buddies"

LAHAINA—Senator Brian Schatz on Saturday vowed that a whopping 55% of federal funds released by President Biden and designated for the recovery and rebuilding of west Maui would actually go to the recovery and rebuilding of west Maui.

"Only 45% will go to my buddies," said Schatz while unbuttoning the top button of his bright green aloha shirt. "I promise that just a handful of my friends and colleagues will become rich from this latest influx of cash."

Schatz, known only for the money he funnels from the federal government to Hawaii, on Friday toured the fire-ravaged areas of Maui with Governor Green and some other people who look important.

"It's hot out here, isn't it?" Schatz asked the hundreds of residents waiting in line on the highway to get back to Lahaina to check on their homes and loved ones. "As soon as my buddies grossly overbid the work that needs to be done, I'll tell the popo to let you through. Oh, and watch out! That caravan of trucks are coming through to give water and food to the tourists!"