DOH Now Draws Weekly Covid Counts From Old Bingo Machine

HONOLULU—In an effort to make Covid news fresh again and more exciting, Hawaii's Department of Health director, Kenneth S. Fink, has purchased an old bingo machine to replace the old bag his predecessor, Elizabeth Char, previously used to determine the weekly Covid counts for the state.

"When the pandemic first hit," said Char, "we used actual data provided by local hospitals and physicians. But after awhile, we became bored with the information, and one of my staffers suggested we use a recycled bag filled with random numbers."

While the pandemic is no longer a front burner issue for most Hawaii residents, the Department of Health is doing everything it can to make sure their work keeps nagging at the people they serve. And with a worn out method for announcing random numbers, Fink's chief public relations officer suggested a new approach.

“After more than 18 months, the old, cloth bag filled with random numbers handwritten on recycled syringe labels finally wore out.” - Kenneth S. Fink

"After more than 18 months," said Fink, "the old, cloth bag filled with random numbers handwritten on recycle syringe labels finally wore out."

Fink declined to comment if news outlets bothered to question the legitimacy of their statistics. Fink stated, "We just hope they will continue to believe and report anything we say. Oh, and 'BINGO'!"